“Tomo how are you doing today?” Tomohisa looked up to the woman in front of him, legs crossed. Looking at him as kindly as she could muster but he knew that she was struggling to hold back a lashing for him.
Every week she asked him this question and he responded with the usual. “I’m still struggling.”
He saw her face fall but she tried to pull it back up together. “Have you been keeping the diary I’ve asked you to? To be writing down your emotions?” He cringed at the word and saw her face fall even more.
“Dr.Irving, I just haven’t-“ He sighed disheartedly. “I can’t. I can’t just write my feelings and expect to get over it. I can’t. It haunts me.” He bit down on his tongue, happy to feel the pain in his mouth as he shut his eyes tightly. “She haunts me.”
This caught the attention of his doctor as he saw her lean forward, her perfectly painted lips parting in shock. “She? Tomohisa this is the first time-“
“I know. I don’t even- I’m-“ He felt the tears flood his eyes again and his psychiatrist he saw was conflicted. As she always was every time he broke down in her office. She was young, and inexperienced and sometimes she was weak. So Dr.Cheryl (or Cherry as she'd asked him to call her) Irving touched his shoulder and he looked up at her, tears tainting his vision so all he could see was the worried face of a very beautiful 28 year old woman.
“Tomohisa…you can’t help it. She died. You didn’t have an option.”
“I didn’t even want kids.” Pi muttered out as he rubbed at his nose lightly. “I mean I love kids. I love my little nephew and-“
“What happened to you was wrong. I’m sorry but you need to move on. If you didn’t want kids…why are you so fixated on this?”
“I don’t know.” Pi struggled as he bit out looking at her and shook his head. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come. I’m sick of wasting your time Dr.Irving.”
“Tomohisa I’m here-“ But before his psychiatrist could finish talking he had already bolted out of the door. He knew now, no matter what weird strategy she had come up with for him to get over this he would never. He had never realized how powerless he was until that day-
“Yo fucktard you ready yet?”
“You know one day you’re going to stop swearing.”
“Fuck that.” Yamapi grinned out at his best friend who was looking at him totally unhumored. “You fucking ready yet dickwad?”
“That was just unnecessary." Toma frowned as Pi snickered mischeviously.
"I know I just wanted to piss you off."
"All I need is the glow in the dark paint. Did you bring it?” Toma looked at his best friend who look positively villainous as he lifted the canister. “Okay so you did bring it…but did you have to get pink? You couldn’t have gotten something gender neutral? Like yellow or green?”
“Fuck yellow and green. Chicks dig pink.” Pi put the canister down and grabbed the bottle of Jacks the two of them were pre-drinking from pouring a shot down his throat. “Shirt off fucktard, let’s get painted.” With that Yamapi ripped his shirt off his very muscular body, and his slightly less muscular friend followed suit as they painted themselves with the canister and slipped their wife beaters back on. “Game on brother. Tonight’s going to rock.”
And tonight did, because like the excellent wingman he was Yamapi found his friend a beautiful Disney princess Mulan looking girl to spend the rest of the night with and he was on his way to making a move on her equally pretty Cinderella blond friend when it happened. He spotted the bane of his existence making her way over to the bar, in the exact spot he was standing with her equally annoying friend in tow.
“Oh my god! Yamapi!” Keiko hugged him immediately, without his consent, and Yamapi was nothing if not the worst gentleman ever so he threw her off him and gave her a dirty look. When girls cheated on you that was generally the reaction you gave them when they tried to be friends again.
“Come on Pi, don’t be like that.” Yui pouted. Yui was a little better he’d give her that. She was going to be doctor after all, you had to be a half-way decent human being to be a doctor right? Otherwise wasn’t there some rule you couldn’t pass the test? “You look good Pi.” Her eyes ran down his body and she winked at him. Okay that was the other thing he didn’t get. Even when he was dating Keiko, Yui would keep making passes at him. You think he'd be grateful for this because well- Yui was fucking hot but he wasn't. It was fucking weird to be making out with your girlfriend and open your eyes to see her best friend making crude gestures at you. Not to mention it was distracting. “Hey Toma.”
Toma just nodded back quickly at Yui. He wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. “This is Mao and Jennifer. Mao, Jennifer these are our friends from college Keiko and Yui. We were all international students together.” He quickly introduced the girls to avoid seeming confrontational but Pi shot him a look that meant he had to keep Mao and Jennifer as far away as possible from Keiko and Yui while Pi would focus on getting rid of them. He didn’t want to spend the night ridden with the two girls that made his life miserable. No sir, tonight was a good night both Toma and Pi had managed to get exactly their types and god damn it they were going to take advantage of their 8s women who looked like 10s in the dark!
“You do look good.” Keiko trailed a joking finger down his arm and he grumbled and slapped her hand off him. For a second they stood there, until Keiko scoffed rolling her eyes so her gaze was directed away from him. “So you’re still pissed about Sho?”
What a laughable thought. Pi did just that, laugh in her face just a little too hard to prove exactly how wrong she was. “Please. I don’t even care.”
“Then why aren’t we friends Pi?” Keiko grumbled and Yui placed an arm complacently over her shoulder. Pi tried to hold himself back from slapping her and walking away from them because from experience he knew Keiko would only make a bigger fuss if he left first. He’d have to get her to leave.
“Look…I’m glad I ran into you but we should enjoy this party in our own separate areas all right? I mean we can hang out later…but I kinda have something going on there so if you could leave Keiko I’d really appreciate that.” Pi watched Keiko carefully and her eyebrows furrowed.
“We used to be best friends once upon a time. Before we got together. Do you remember that?”
Yeah…and as my old friend you should understand you’re cockblocking me right now as my ex girlfriend, he thought gritting his teeth but held back his words. “I remember.”
“You know we were still pretty good when we were together…why can’t we be together again Pi?” God. Was she trying to die here? Because he definitely wasn’t mature enough to have this conversation without ripping her to shreds here in public. He glanced at Yui who blushed despite herself as he looked at her and barely held back a growl. He saw Yui look down almost shamefully that he had caught her admiring him in his fury. Bitch was crazy. Both bitches were crazy. No wonder they were friends.
“Look Keiko, I appreciate all of this I do but we hadn’t been good for each other since you cheated-“
“No.” Keiko interrupted him, keeping the frown on her face directed towards her feet as she looked at him and Yui’s eyes darted to hers almost fearfully. “No we stopped being good for each other before that.”
“Keiko-“ Yui tried to get her to stop talking. “Keiko stop you don’t want to tell him this.” She tried to keep her voice quiet but Pi had already heard her. “Keiko-“
He knew he shouldn’t care because this was a chapter of his life he was done with, he had been done with it for the past six months. So why, despite his better judgment was he pulling Keiko’s face towards his. Why did he feel the blood in his veins run cold as he saw the tears touch her eyes? What on earth could he have done to make her cry at the mere memory of this? “Keiko…what are you talking about?”
She was always like this when she was drunk. She was always so moody. On the top of the world one moment, crying in the despairs made by her own mind minutes later but today there was a depth to her sadness that strung a chord in him. “Keiko…” He said almost affectionately as she sobbed openly hearing his voice and he saw her rub at her eyes weakly as if to hide her gaze from him but he just grabbed her hand and held her hand back.
“The abortion. I just hated you so much after the abortion.” Keiko crumbled as the words slipped out of her mouth as if all the energy it had taken her to say it had made her so weak. She fell weakly back into Yui’s arms which was just as well because- Pi felt his own strength leave him as he looked at the girl in front of him in shock.
As the memory flittered away in his mind he got on the bus sighing. He hadn’t been normal since. He hadn’t sworn, he hadn’t partied, he had become a sullen shell of his self once he realized it was useless pretending he enjoyed behaving the same way he had been for years now.
Keiko had met him sober, but only once after that night. To apologize for telling him.
He hated her more than he had ever thought possible. Which was quite a statement because he had already hated her quite a bit when he remembered this was the woman who had cheated on him…but now he knew it wasn’t her fault. Or at least not really. She wanted to mess up so bad that he’d leave her, that he’d hate her like she hated him because she hadn’t told him- she’d never given him a chance-
He would have been a good dad.
She told him that she’d conceived the very first time they’d had sex. He’d been so intent on doing it that he forced her to forget about the condoms, and he remembered the way she had reluctantly agreed. He gulped down the ball forming in his throat. She had found out she was pregnant once she missed her period two months in a row…Yui had helped her get to a doctor. In a few days, they had taken care of the ‘problem’ and Pi had never noticed…save to tell her she looked like she was gaining weight. He remembered this day clearly because he’d thought his girlfriend was psychotic for crying her eyes out and locking herself in her room. He’d simply yelled at her and walked out of the house and gone out partying with Toma.
He’d even kissed another girl that night. Not that he’d told Keiko about that because kissing didn’t count as cheating in his books, at least not until he saw Keiko kiss another guy.
Now that he thought more about it, he realized that he had hurt his best friend more than he had let her know.
That still didn’t change the fact she took a decision she did not need to without telling him.
He shut his eyes tightly, as the way they'd ended their conversation flew back to his mind.
“You know I always thought it would be a girl. I don’t know why I had a feeling. For a moment I entertained the thought that you’d find out, that you’d be ready, that I’d be ready.” She muttered softly.
“I would have become ready for you.” He spat out rudely.
Keiko looked at him like he was a child, with pity in her eyes. “You, me and Himawari.” She whispered quietly smiling at her coffee and Pi felt his heart stop. It was just for a second but he realized why- before this moment this non-existent child of theirs had been nameless. “I couldn’t be with you once I asked her not to be with us.” Keiko had always been a little insane, and Pi had gone insane being in a relationship with her but- he’d loved her insanity just as much because it was a part of her. So even as she said things that made no sense because the child couldn’t have had a conclusive gender, and in no way would he have ever let her name his child Himawari…there it was.
Himawari. “So you tried to break up with me on purpose?” He furrowed his eyebrows as she looked up at him, eyes tinged with a peculiar sadness.
“I was spoiled, angry, moody, I even kicked the crap out of you that one night…you had bruises but you didn’t break up with me. So I cheated on you. It was the only thing left to do.”
“If you’d told me what you’d done trust me we would have been finished before you beat me up.” Pi shut his eyes painfully. His heart was hammering in his chest, mending the wounds that Keiko had inflicted upon him by cheating on him.
“I was angry. I was so angry at you Pi.”
“WHY WERE YOU ANGRY AT ME WHEN YOU DIDN’T EVEN LET ME HAVE A CHANCE?” He shot back and saw her look at him surprised.
She was silent for a moment, he was heaving breaths. His chest was rising up and down quickly...and then she looked away from him out into the openness of the wilderness cafe they were in. “I didn’t think you were ready.”
“And you were ready to make that choice for me?”
His insistence must have annoyed her because she looked at him blankly now. “Pi, please, you treated me like crap and before I was your girlfriend I was your best friend. I thought things would be different because of that but they weren't- because you're an asshole through and through. Whose to say you wouldn’t treat your own daughter like shit?” He felt his hands fist together as he tried to hold himself back from doing something he’d regret. He didn’t hit girls. “Pi…you didn’t even have a father.” His eyes shot up. This was not something he’d expected even Keiko to say. Her expression, which he’d hoped would have been vengeful and evil, really just looked like she was stating a fact. “How could you learn to be a father when you never even knew what it felt like to have one?”
He’d thought each girl only had the right to break a man’s heart once.
Keiko Kitagawa had managed to break his heart twice.
Despite himself he leaned over and slapped her because this was Keiko and if she could physically take out her anger on him when they were together because of a decision she made without telling him then -
He could hurt her right now for using the one thing he never liked discussing against him, to say that her decision made sense.
“I never want to see you again.” He muttered out and walked away ignoring the looks of the people around him. Sure he looked like an asshole to them. Who the hell hit a woman in public? But they didn’t know what this woman did to him.
If they did they'd have slapped her too.
On the bus now Pi leaned over his body so he could hide his face in his lap. The passengers avoided sitting around him, he looked crazy after all…he was happy about that at least.
If they were away from him, they wouldn’t hear him sobbing.